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The J. Geils Band said it best: Love Stinks!

06/29/2009

egore911_2_heartsMike Barefield – Portsmouth, Virginia – Contributor

Well, at last I put fingers to keyboard after being out of action for awhile to allow my broken heart to mend. While there is certainly a lesson to be learned from each of our relationships, – that is, there are no accidents in the universe – the universe can sometimes be very unkind in how it attempts to teach the lesson.

Being disappointed by someone with whom I have allowed myself to fall in love is not new to me and my pattern had been to crash and burn when it happened. In the past, I’ve gone so far as to quit my job and become a ward of my family and/or friends. This time I haven’t. I haven’t missed a gig and I should receive an Oscar for my performance. I think (although I am not yet sure) that the lesson this time around was this: You can feel pain without bleeding all over everyone with whom you come in contact and you can continue to act responsibly and maintain a level of sanity while you feel as if you will die any second. I think most people learn this lesson as teenagers. I am only now learning it.

Because of being well-aware of this pattern of self-destruction when things don’t work out, I guard my heart zealously. I don’t fall in love easily, although it is my nature to do so. Indeed, I consciously ask myself, “Do I have his permission to fall in love with him?” In this most recent adventure, I not only had permission, but was encouraged.

“I’m really in love with you.” “I can’t wait to start our lives together.” “Let’s shop for furniture.” “Wow, we even have similar décor likes and dislikes!” “This is a match made in heaven.”

This came about not because my lover was malicious, but because he was confused. He didn’t know his own mind and heart well enough to know that the circumstances in which he found himself were causing him to move forward at a speed and in a manner inconsistent with what he truly wanted and needed. Finally, after leaving me wondering, “What the hell did I do?” for weeks, I got this explanation:

I have lost respect for myself as a result of losing my independence. Until I can regain that self-respect, I don’t want a lover. I need to fix this on my own.

Baby, I wish you luck. I sure hope you keep your confused ass at home until you know yourself a little better, though. Oh, and Universe, thanks a lot. Couldn’t you have just sent me a freakin’ e-mail?

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